WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS WITH GENTLE PARENTING?

Yes, there are problems with gentle parenting. Although it does seem to be an ideal parenting style you cannot conform with the gentle parenting standards completely. This blog focuses on the problems of gentle parenting. It also helps in clarifying the concept of gentle parenting through gentle parenting examples.

Gentle Parenting Definition

The definition of gentle parenting revolves around the child and his feelings. You just place yourself in your child’s position and try to feel what he or she feels. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that gentle parenting is based on the emotion of empathy and unconditional love.

If it is so perfect then where do the problems with gentle parenting evolve? The fact is that parents are humans too. Just like kids, parents cannot fit into the all-perfect mould of gentle parenting.

However, as a parent, I do admire one important fact about gentle parenting i.e. letting your child understand his or her feelings. In other words, making them able to self-realize.

Gentle Parenting Examples

Before addressing the problems with gentle parenting it is better to understand the concept first clearly. You cannot make your understanding clear without knowing the gentle parenting examples. In this section, we shall have a quick look at some of the gentle parenting examples.

Tantrums at Public Places:

My elder one had a habit of lying down on the floor whenever something annoyed him. With this example, I can strongly relate. I remember I took him shopping and the sales girl pulled his cheeks. He laid down on the floor annoyed. The sales girl got scared of what would be my reaction and told me that she did nothing (which I knew of course). 

So I told her that it’s ok. Then I turned towards my son and told him that if he is a good boy then he should get up otherwise I would never take him with me to go shopping again. My elder one always and still wanted to be known as a good boy. So anything that goes against his reputation he is ready to give it up.

So my son got up and the rest went well.

Visits to Toy Shops:

This is the most challenging experience for parents. Believe me it is a test for your parenting. So my middle son always commits that he will listen to me and when he visits the toy shop he wants the most expensive toy. The next step he starts crying and screaming. The last time it happened I told him that mama has a budget and we cannot go beyond that. I asked the sales guy to tell him that that toy was not appropriate for his age and he can get it on his next birthday. It did work.

Sibling Battles:

My elder two boys are three and a half years apart and they have a love-hate relationship. Being a mom I am always the mediator. I have to make sure that I do justice. So what I do is that I listen to both of them and then tell the one who is actually wrong that I have to apologize. Sometimes I request my elder one to compromise as he is more mature and listens to me. Later I always appreciated him with his favorite chocolate for listening to me when his sibling was not.

What are the Problems with Gentle Parenting

Finally in this section, we shall address the problems with gentle parenting. You might be wondering that if all is so good about gentle parenting then where do the problems with gentle parenting come from? Well, there’s nothing all good and no worries I believe.

Unrealistic Expectations from Parents:

I have mentioned this before. The whole idea of gentle parenting assumes parents as the most perfect creatures on the planet. There is a lot of pressure on them to behave and react in the most ideal way possible.

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE

As I said before, parents are human beings as well. I personally believe that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations from parents.

I mean I personally believe that sometimes you have to teach the child who is the parent and that they should follow your advice.

MOM SHAMING:

A major problem with gentle parenting is that it puts the moms under pressure. Mom Shaming is all that is done in groups and pages that support the idea of gentle parenting. I mean moms have already too much on their plates that mom shaming is something totally unacceptable.

Consider potty training. As a mom, this is the toughest thing I have ever taught to my kids. Washing poo and cleaning pooed pyjamas is not an easy job. I did express my discomfort and annoyance to my kids to make them realize that this is something they shouldn’t have done.

No Empathy for Parents:

The whole concept of gentle parenting focuses on empathy for kids. Where do the feelings for parents go?

I mean it should also pay attention to empathy for parents from the kids. Kids should know the impact of their behaviour on their parents as well.  My middle one was a very difficult child. I went into extreme depression because of his cranky behaviour.

Although he didn’t realize this when he was too young, ever since he was four years old there has been a change in his behavior. He feels when I am sad. So whenever I become sad about his behaviour such as him taking my cell phone or not listening to me he asks me MAMA ARE YOU SAD? And immediately there is a shift in his behaviour. However, It did take a lifetime to reach this situation in my life.

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

After all the literature that we have read about the definition of gentle parenting and the problems with gentle parenting the one question that might be coming to your mind must be:

DOES GENTLE PARENTING WORK?

There is no yes or no answer to this question.

Children and parents are not robots. Parenting is not done in a controlled laboratory environment. Every child is unique and so there’s no one size fits all policy in this case.

In most of the situations, it does work. However, for some, it might not work or else take more time to become effective or show results.

My two Cents

See I am not a Saint. I have seen many highs and lows in my parenting journey. I do support the idea of emotional regulation and empathy for kids but of course you cannot be gentle every time.I still advocate the fact of being lenient most of the time. Just like parents there should not be any unrealistic expectations from kids as well. There are problems with gentle parenting style as well but again nothing and none is perfect.